For any of you out there that know me, really know me; you know my mom had it in for me from the time I was a young woman almost till her death. She finally died at 55 pounds, after lying in her bed for over 6 years. It was not a pretty death but she struggled to die. Finally days before her death, she said she loved me and was proud of me. Words I had waited to hear for decades.
I wondered for years what I had done, or not done to make her not love me and be so mean. I shrugged it off to most and drank alot to hide the pain. I had a father who adored me and I sometimes wondered if that drove her to her hatred but that just didn't seem like the reason. Dad died 6 months before her entry into the nursing home.
The DAY of my mom's gravesite service we had a luncheon at a nearby hotel for her friends and family. As I made my rounds thanking those who showed up her best friend from her younger days asked if she could speak with me. In what now seems a brief time; she unraveled the tale to me that gave me that "aha" moment. Seems my mom had a boyfriend before my dad and they had parted. She met my dad and they married ( I often thought my mom married my dad cos he was a good guy and she knew he would always provide for her). Shortly after their marriage my mom was stricken with polio, told she could never have kids and then had me. Apparently sometime after both of those incidents the old boyfriend came back in the picture. My mom couldn't leave, supposedly cos of me (that old what would the neighbors think). She must have spent time with him and at one point got stuck in a storm and had trouble getting home. The friend said this is when her drinking escaladed and her fear of storms began.
I thought back to when I was getting my own divorce in the mid 70's and that was when her dislike of me gathered strength. Now I know why.
I truly believe that she felt I stood between her and her happiness. At first I was hurt and mad but as time as gone on I truly feel sorry for this woman who stayed in a marriage she didn't want; or wasn't able to be with the man she thought she loved.
She had told me his name while she lie in her nursing home bed. I had been telling her my success in finding an old friend via the net and she wondered if I could find her friend. His name is out of my mind (I am sure I have blocked it). At the time I just blew her off partially I think as I didn't want to disrespect the memory of my dear dad and also not knowing the full extent of her involvement with this mystery man.
For years I had dissed my mom or was only able to remember the bad. Now I am remembering the good things she did for me and also having some empathy for a woman who had so much to struggle with and I am glad that I can think of her with some love. Letting go is a wonderful thing!
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